When you think it’s not there, it is, just that you didn’t stare hard enough.

I do care, about how tired you are, and how busy you are, and how upset you have been.

No matter how much it seems that i only need your company, i hope you see that i’m here; if you’re really upset and need someone to rant to, I’m here.

I’m not always upset when you call, it’s just that i’ve never heard you for so long, i wanna hear you talk more than myself. So i always want to try to keep silent.

Because i need to hear you more than you need to hear me. I try my best to not be a burden to you, so i guess the only way to do so is to leave you alone. And i know you will never read this because you’re too busy and i don’t want to ask you to read it either cause it will only make you feel like you’re the cause of my sadness; which is true; but i don’t want you to know so even more apparently than ever.

Someone has been telling me i keep repeating everything i say on my blog, and i should stop cause probably it was making that someone giddy. Well i don’t think it’s possible to stop now that i’ve started but once i lose some energy, i will eventually stop, which means you have to put up with it from this period of time until i stop; much to your disappointment i guess? Well, my sincere apologies then.

Love forever and last forever,
온 내 맘 다해도 잡히지도 늦출 수 도 없는 널
그래도 좋아하니까 정말 사랑하니까 그렇게 사랑은 꼭 계속돼야 해.
(translation)
Love forever and last forever
Even if I put in my whole heart
You are something I can’t catch or lose
But I still like you
and I still really love you
Love needs to go on like this
[credits to jpopasia]

You’ve got a Bachelor in Lies.

I don’t know, maybe its just me.

I’ll be waiting, until you return. You better return. You better do.
The heat is unbearable and I’ve downed 3 freezepops. I don’t know what i should do now, i should probably start studying. I’ve been trying to study real hard.

I’m really into FT Island’s rock ballads now, probably cause they’re coming, and I can’t get the tickets to see them.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Lol, i just love that quote, even when i don’t really know who said it.
I thought you were my option, and now when i realise i’m an option, i find out that you’re my priority.

The only way to make me undo this is to just kind of refresh this whole thing, like redo it all over again. But i’ve never done this before, and wanting to keep that person at the same time. It’s like i want to flush it, but need it back up when i want it. So it’s like a storage system only that i don’t actually see it. I’ve only done those that i flush it down and i don’t see it again.

For a particular friend:

Crushes are stupid. You go in rounds and rounds,thinking that that person is an arm’s length away from you when in fact, is a million miles from you. And then you start to realise,you find that you’re giddy and need a chair to sit down, to calm yourself again after going in rounds, and sometimes you throw up a little of yourself.

Yes, particular friend, i wrote that paragraph so stop being so skeptical about everything i do.

Apparently, i feel so tired right now probably because of the sun and the heat. I’m looking at quotes now and my eyes are really tired.

I’m emotionally drained and i need to care about my studies, a whole awful lot. I will wait. I don’t know how long more i can do this but i will push myself over the limit if i have to.

But i do hope you don’t push me over the limit cause i will fall. And i don’t think you’ll be near enough to catch me.

Even as time goes by.

I’ve been listening to some very time-related kpop. Until You Return, and It’s You.

내가 언제까지 기다려야합니까?
내가 상처를 언제까지해야합니까?
설령 내가 죽을만큼 상처도 더 아프고, 기다릴께요
돌아올 때까지

(translated)
Until when do I have to wait?
Until when do I have to hurt?
Even if I hurt enough to die and hurt even more, I’m going to wait
Until you return

Credits to jpopasia, even when this is a korean song. LOL.
FT Island’s song. It’s actually the last part of the song before it ends, leaving you with a heavy heart kind of feeling. It’s really quite rocky, which is not my type but i think i could relate to this song for a bit, and it’s a song so sad(to me) that gives me enough reasons to love it.

그 누가 누가 뭐래도 나는 상관 없다고
그 누가 누가 욕해도 너만 바라본다고
나 다시 태어난 대도 오직 너 뿐이라고
(째깍째깍) 시간이 흘러도 oh, 난

널 사랑한다 말해도 천 번 만 번 말해도
내 가슴 속 다 불 타고 마른 입술 닳도록
나 다시 태어난 대도 오직 너 뿐이라고
(째깍째깍) 시간이 흘러도 oh, 난

(translated)
Oh whatever anyone anyone says, it doesn’t matter to me
Oh whoever whoever curses me, I’ll only look at you
Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you
(tick tock tick tock) Even as time goes by

Oh when you tell me you love me
When you tell me thousands and millions of times
Even when my heart sets on fire, my dry lips wear out
Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you
(tick tock tick tock) Even as time goes by

Oh gosh, that song won’t get out of my mind.

Sometimes, you tell yourself to give up, but you just find yourself waiting instead of giving up, just too often, that happens. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but my appetite is smaller than ever. I start seeing food/meals as a thing that i don’t enjoy consuming but have to consume so might as well get a proper one.

I seem to have got out of bed at the wrong side, i’m really irritable today and i just want to have my latte/darjeeling/earl grey.

Which at the moment none is at hand.

I never liked to be irritable and easily annoyed cause it upsets others around me when i respond to them. I know what is causing this, roughly. Thank goodness for Elegance(my piano) and Chappy(my violin), that i can be slightly calmed at this period of time.

What i really need is to occupy my mind so much that it has no time to think about anything else. Which  is right now, i have to figure out what to ask my domestic helper to cook for tomorrow’s lunch where 4 of my friends are coming over to hang out and do some literature assignment we are absolutely pissed about. Or at least I am.

I need to go out, drink some latte at Starbucks, walk around and eat some ramen for dinner or something. If i am can ever going to be hungry at dinner, that is.

I am just so-

easy to forget.

Too easy, that’s what you’re telling me. I told you before and you said i wasn’t. But i knew all the long, i was. And now you are demonstrating to me that i am.

insignificant

Don’t tell me i’m not because i am. In fact, too insignificant to make it seem significant that i am insignificant. Am i speaking right?

tired

I’m tired of doing this and i’m trying to get out of it. My eyes sting now and i need rest, after countless nights of wondering where on earth you went or if you really did exist.

unreasonable

I hate myself for this but that i will be changing. Sorry, i’m like malt candy, really sticky.

On second thought, you’re not a burden, neither is my entire mind. But what i’m thinking/feeling is a burden heavier than many other things.

————————————————–

I honestly need to get out of this mess, it’s not my favourite Earl Grey/ Darjeeling/ Latte to be in such a mess. I digust myself so often these days i wonder if i can go any deeper into feeling disgusted at myself. Is there a way to get out of this maze? At all? Or should i sit down and wait for someone to find me at some weird corner of the maze and lead me out?

I realise how fake everything can get. I know i’ve been realising this all the time but this time, just a lot more than the previous. Can you please tell me who you are? I used to know very well cause you told me. But now you’re telling me otherwise. Does it mean i have to believe the both that contradict each other?

It’s not like i like to be like this like all the time.

Is there a reason for me to be like this? Yes.
I’d love to eat candy and chocolates and get some sugar rush and jump around. But i never add sugar into my latte. If i have a choice, that is. It’s honestly my fault that you guys reading this are feeling angry and pissed and upset and all of the extras. I need to recover. Even if i do, scars still remain.

Sometimes,i just wish i could just blah blah blah everything i need to say at you. But you’re always going, like always busy and all of it. I guess i’m going to back out for real. Even though I’m not confident i can do it but i will. Because you want me to.

Throw them away. So far, they’ll never come back.

First thing first. You are not my burden. My burden is my mind. I told you. That’s my burden.

I’m your burden. You aren’t aware, that’s all. I know what a burden is, and my mind is my burden. If there’s anything to forget, it would be myself. My whole mind is filled with thoughts it shouldn’t think. My heart is filled with feelings it shouldn’t feel. It never should have ended, but im placing a barrier for it to stop. Because you told me to. And it shall stop.

What do i want? I thought i wanted to do what i want, to think what i want, to want what i want.
I was right, i was right.
The end of the year, i will be convinced that earthly good things are short lived. I guess i’m right. I’m sorry for pulling you under water, we clearly didnt deserve that mark, those marks. So i guess it’s better for you to quit now. I take myself out of the scene. You can take the stage. I’ll go to the opposite stage. And most importantly; I do not hate you. At all.

You want to volunteer out of my memory, fine. I want to get out of yours as well. Give me back to myself. And i’ll give you back to you. Can’t return myself to me? Then sorry, i cant return yourself to you. Its a one for one exchange. You cant do it? I wont either. Unless you remove me from your memory, i won’t be able to remove you.

And this, you cannot lie.

Send me a dot.

How can you just, back out like this? You know your position in my head and you just back out in one day, you just back out and become totally impossible to contact. Who are you to mess my life like this? Who are you to make my life break down like this? Who are you to put on me a roller coaster ride?

Who are you?

Why are you doing this to me? Why? Can i please have an explanation? At least drop an sms? Just a short one? Am i being freaking irritating to you?

Tell me, i’ll break my phone. Shit this whole shit. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue living on caffeine and losing my appetite for every meal of the day just at the thought of you. I can’t hacking do this. It’s tough you know? Can you please please please please give me a respond? Even a dot will do. Just let me know you still exist.

Do you know how much i hate myself for not wanting to do anything? Even shop? No one can stop me from wanting to shop, and who are you to dominate such a large part of my head(for a friend) to prevent me from wanting to shop? To make me just wanna sit in the coffee house all day and watch the sea from the glass windows of the coffee house?

Can you please explain what you’re doing to me? It’s a new formula i haven’t learn, please teach me. If you have something to tell me, please tell me straight in the face. I will handle it well. I will handle it even better than right now. Please stop this thing you’re doing to me cause it hurts. Unless you want to see me racked(which is pretty much equivalent to what you’re doing to me), then please do not respond to any of my screams.

Are you enjoying it? Do i look like a push over to you? Do i look like someone you can pick up throw down in a second? Even my worst friends don’t do this to me. I know you have your difficulties and there’s probably an answer to it. But i don’t think they’ll be an answer to why you want me to suffer like this.

Please don’t, if you don’t intend on appearing again, i’ll destroy every trace of you in my life. I have to kill it before it kills me. I’m really worn out and i really want to act as if everything’s okay. Can you help me with it? I don’t want this to push me off the cliff.

Do you want to kill me? Do you want to kill me?

And all the world forbids our communication.

There’s something called phone bills. More things called internet restriction. And even distance, they matter.

Phone bills, sure.
Sure. They are needed, paying for the service since we talk from one place to another, its only right we have to pay for it, but thats one factor that forbids our communication.

Internet restriction, sure.
As much as phone bills are needed, these things are important too. The second factor, that forbids our communication.

Distance, sure.
Something we can’t change.

This post is to the people i am still talking to, some lesser than before, some almost completely cut off.

To Lyd. L.

All these three factors seem to scream right in the face of our friendship, don’t they?
You’re so far away in Perth, I’m so far away from Perth. Therefore leading to the hideous charges of calls and messages. Boarding schools stop you at certain sites, certain applications i wonder how you live that way. But still, i need you to know i don’t ignore the fact that you’re away, i try to make it somehow, disappear. I check your blog everyday, i check your facebook everyday, i actually still care even when you’re so far.

You’re changing by the minute to an Australian i don’t understand. But i don’t care, i still care. You’re so in need for friendship and whatnot love and attention from people at that side of the world but i don’t care, i still care. No matter how much i don’t see it from you, no matter how much i don’t feel it from you, i know you care, the same way i still care for you despite the distance. But things are starting to prove it otherwise.

Everything we do proves everything else otherwise, that I’m not part of your life. I am not desperate for your attention. I don’t want to be. I guess jealousy that I’m currently trying to kill is stepping in. You’re prolly one of those friends in a billion that i can hate for something large and treasure for something even larger.
You’re a  math question i can’t solve, and i don’t plan to, because when its solved, there’s no wondering to it anymore.

I’m prolly not as much of a good friend compared to your Aussie buddies, i don’t own farms for you to visit during summer breaks and i understand that for my schedule is so packed you cant step in and balance. I’m sorry.

To Jenny

I guess distance is our issue, can you remember the time in Primary 6 that you made me laugh till Jasmine Ng thought i was crying? I bet you don’t.

Can you remember the time i told you your sister was uber cool and you named me the embarrassing facts about her? I bet you don’t.

Can you remember how we used to laugh when we see weird actions of people? I bet you don’t.

Can you remember how i freaked out when your kitties were on the loose? I bet you don’t.

I bet you don’t remember that i remember.

To X

I’ve known you as long as a gold fish’s memory span. Isn’t it awesome?
Phone bills are crazy. It’s amazing how much we can keep from one another. Secrets never fail to amaze me.
Knowing secrets are kept never fail to amaze me more.

It’s funny how a hot coffee turns cold. Have you wondered? Why? Its nature isn’t it? For a cup of hot coffee to turn cold after time, unless it is placed in a micro wave that is constantly heating it up, which of course in our case, a micro wave has yet to exist.

Anger develops for things i do not know, and i myself is not aware of. Although you’ve heard this a thousand times, its my fault as well and I’m sorry.

—————————————————————

And to everyone who isn’t mentioned in the above, is our communication forbidden as well?

” One latte grande. Thanks.”

On the other side of the road

How does it feel like to be on the other side of the road?

Well i mean, you get the see, right? The whole picture of what’s going on, its a like a 180 degrees LCD television. You see what others are doing, on the opposite side of the road, everything they’re doing without you.

AND, you laugh to yourself seeing a toddler dropping the whole scoop of ice cream on the floor,  and the mother scolding him, repeating what expensive a scoop of ice cream he just dropped on the floor where everyone steps on, and you see the toddler looking at the innocently deformed scoop of ice cream on the pavement, eyes so teary it reflects like a mirror.

A bunch of your classmates enjoying their very own shares of secrets, you call out to them but each of them shoot you a thousand, a million assorted looks, after giving you the ‘eww-you-so-do-not-belong-with-US” kinda look.

You walk further down the street, down down down down. There’s no traffic lights to determine when you can cross over the otherside, no zebra crossing either.
You watch a class through a window from the other side of the road do their test, the time is running out for them but your time won’t be one bit merciful to you.

And soon enough before you know it, you’re sitting down on the pavement with your knees close to your chest, watching the cars go by, reading the models and brands of the cars, counting the number of cars you’ve seen, plot a graph on the pavement with a stone on the amount of red,blue,black,white cars you’ve seen. Then you wonder why you don’t get to join them on the other side of the road.

I’m absolutely positively positive about this.

Country autumn leaves,
Piled up on the cliff.
Off the cliff, the wind blows the leaves,
Upsetting the leafless swaying trees.
The rays of the sun is what they reflect,
Their golden surfaces, our minds’d neglect.
The winter is something the trees can’t reject.
They stay strong through winter as cold, hard objects.

Something i wrote quite some days back. For someone who’s never/forever[been] there for me.
I have discovered my absolute inability to trust anyone, love anyone other than God and my family.

I am absolutely positively positive about this.

Should/ Should not?

After my sad sad disappearance from my already decomposed blog, i  have appeared again.

That’s right. I’m in the midst of MYEs and I’m well tired of it.
There’s something that people cant image us doing. But we did it anyway.

What’s your ambition? What’s your goal? Or maybe you’re old and have reached your goal already. What do you want to do next?

What is my ambition?

I don’t know. My mind is in a total complete disastrous mess and I’m tired of telling everyone about it.
Let’s just say the ‘today-was-a-bright-day-and-i-enjoyed-my-ice-cream’ is not my type. I’m sick of convincing myself that my goal is clear and i honestly want to do that.
But what is that?…

That is what we call ‘ used to be my passion and a passion that comes out with cash but now its not my passion but a job that still comes out with cash but not happiness’
What’s my goal? I can study like shit mad but 10 years down the road i might not be doing what i like, even with whatever degree in whatever.

My heart says listen to the brain. My brain says listen to my heart. But both my heart and my brain doesn’t know what to do.

Honestly, tell me, which mortal, and i repeat, MORTAL, actually care?

Because they don’t, that’s what hurts most when they ask you ” hey are you okay? you look troubled” and they leave.
If you cant help, please don’t come up and ask whats wrong, and initiate a talk about how troubled i look cause i know you don’t give a crap about how troubled i look. Look, i know its out of concern, but to ask, and walk off? I rather you just keep your sympathy to yourself.
What’s wrong with you?

Or rather, what’s wrong with me?

-Elle

” One Earl Grey please. Oh, no sugar for me, I like it bitter.”